I think I may have completely blown my challenge. But in my mind, it's only for a day! Back on the wagon tomorrow.

Oatmeal for breakfast, 1/2 stuff bell pepper for lunch, water, water, water, salad for dinner. That's good right?

But today, I really (no, I mean really) did not want to go for a walk. Really!

But I did. I went. It was miserable, but I went. No shortcuts, did the whole darned route. Sides of calves ached nearly the entire way. But I did it.

So for my reward:

I think I deserved it. It's sad that I need to reward myself for these small steps, but I don't live with my mother any more and the kids don't realize that these things that I'm doing mean way more to me than it does to them, so I can't really look for a pat on the back coming from them any time soon.

It was good, sweet, cold. We've actually had it for 5 years.

I also had a glass in honor of a friend who has just received some good news. Love you dahling (LE)!

So I realized today, in a major way, that I may have a problem withcommitting to this “challenge” that I’m doing for myself. Silly thing really. There was a homemade chocolate cake floating around my office today brought in by my boss to be taken home by someone else who’s spouse is recuperating from surgery. The cake looked deliciously moist, and did I mention it was chocolate? And have I already mentioned that Aunt Flo is within one day of arrival, which means for me, maniacal cravings.

But! When offered a piece of the cake, I said “No thank you. I’m being good. I just started a thing on Sunday.”

A thing? Really? You should have heard the laughter inside my head. I didn’t want to use the word “DIET”. This word, to me, has all kinds of negativity that goes along with it. I’ve always hated diets. I hate it when people talk about diets. It’s been proven over and over again, that diets fail and fail miserably. The key words here are: Life Style Change. They really need to come up with a better term for this, as ‘Life Style Change’ is really a bit scary. It’s a huge undertaking.

My challenge that I set for myself consists of simply trying to make better choices. Like, do I really need a candy bar everyday? No, I don’t. Do I really need that cream cheese and cherry Danish for breakfast? No, I don’t. And what is the real reason I don’t go for walks? Hmmm... all of my reasons are just excuses when I think about it. So I’m giving myself a mental kick in the arse for being so lazy and for getting to the point in my life when spending over $75.00 on a bathing suit is a necessity to hold all the necessary things in place while tricking the eye of the onlookers who are brave enough to sneak a peek. Embarrassing! This is why, even though I’ve wanted to many, many times, I don’t go down to the beach by myself. People need to know that I’m this way because I’ve had so danged many kids. Again – another excuse....

Blah, blah, blah.... yeah I know. I really just wanted to share my challenge for the day. Thanks for listening/reading.

It's Tuesday, 9 p.m.

I got home after work today, then ran the oldest to her job. After arriving home the second time, I changed, stretched and headed out for my walk. Another 3 miles, this time it didn't feel so good. I thought someone would need to push me up my front steps. I just couldn't get into the feel-good-groove.

I think there were several contributing factors....

     One being that my 11 year old accompanied me. When I walk, I have my mp3 player on pretty
     loud. This is to distract myself and also to drown out outside noises, such as my footsteps, passing
     vehicles and my breathing - all of which are pretty distracting. I've told my kids before that when
     they walk with me they should bring their own music because I'm not going to respond to them if
     they're talking and I'm certainly not going to run my mouth while I'm gasping for air.

     Two, I think that dear old Aunt Flo is definitely getting within days of her arrival. Sad really that I
     can spend three weeks going through the various symptoms that "prepare" me for the fourth (and I
     ain't talking Fourth of July!) I'm bloating to the extreme. All that extra water I've been drinking?
     Yeah, it's around my ankles and fingers. I really hate men right now! But that's besides the point...

     Three.... did I mention it was still about 90 degrees Fahrenheit? The heat feels good to me after I
     sit in the air-conditioning all day, but trying to power walk? More like drag-walking.

Food-wise I was good today, though. Breakfast was yogurt and granola (granted it was chocolate granola), but it was good. For lunch I had packed some of the same salad I had last night for dinner, but with Ranch dressing this time, rather than the vinegar and oil that we typically use at home. Late afternoon snack was a protein bar.

Dinner? Bad! Bad! Bad! First of all, it was eaten after 8 p.m. and since it was so hot (and since no one else was volunteering to cook) I ran down to the store and got fixings for nachos. Yeah, I know.... Bad! Bad! Bad!

But so... sooo yummy!

Thank you to those who have responded with well wishes and support. Love you!! :)

Sunday evening. I've been thinking about this for a little while. Wondering if I should share. With the help of my sister, I believe I have talked myself into taking the plunge and sharing.

"Share What?" you ask.

Thanks so much asking. That shows me you really care.

I'm going to share with you my personal challenge. If you've read along over the past year or so, you'll know that my blog is typically about me and being the age that I am and the obstacles I face day to day. I realize (sadly) every day that I am no longer a spring chicken. In fact, I can't remember when I crossed that line, fine or not, from being a spring chicken to what I am now - whatever that may be. Let's say, ummm, old hen? Don't care much for that title. And who came up with the scale of age as compared to barnyard animals? What's up with that?

Anywho... the challenge: Now keep in mind that I don't really have super-specific parameters set yet for this goal. It's just one of those things that I've been wanting to do, and I'd really like to see how far I can get. It's (gulp!) simply: losing weight.

A little background: I am technically "over" 40. (Don't cringe - it's really not that bad.) I have given birth to four children. This, as you know, takes an extreme toll on a woman's body. Some things just never go back to normal - namely: the belly-button. (Don't ask!) I have a wonderful job! However, it's a job that consists of mostly sitting in a wheeled chair, with almost everything I need to do my job with arms reach - or a short wheely-chair ride away.

Sad - but true.

These circumstances, well, that and being a bit on the inactive side of, well, anything I suppose, has led to an increase of inches in my midsection and probably several other places that I cannot see unless.... well, we won't go there. Even I want to sleep tonight and dream happy dreams.

So my personal challenge is this:

Can I lose 20 pounds by my birthday?

I will be (gulp, again!) 41 on September 12th, and this weight that I am currently at, and the shape that my body has taken is, to me, unacceptable! I don't like it.

I mean, really, how can I have a real mid-life crisis while I'm overweight? Nope. Won't do at all. So I'm going to take the plunge and go public with you, my faithful readers. Hopefully, being public will urge me on. Or, at least, guilt me on. If there are any readers who, oh let's say... work with me... then please don't say anything to me about it - just give me a shameful look when you see me order a cheese danish from Neil. I mean, this is embarrassing enough!

I'll try to keep you all posted how many pounds I've lost each week. Starting now.

I had a few glasses of wine (shaly loam = quite tasty) with dinner tonight, which was grilled chicken (thighs - the fattiest part), sauteed zucchini and squash and a salad made with romaine, green olives, tomatoes, baby cukes, red bell pepper, celery... I did go for a walk after that; about 3 miles I think. That. was. hard. It wasn't until about half-way through the walk, when my mp3 player hit Pump It by the Black Eyed Peas, when it finally started getting a little easier. (Phfew! Thank you BEPs!)

I will let you know up front, that this week, and possibly part of the next, could be more difficult for me as it is, you know.... Aunt Flo is scheduled for a visit. And I tend to bloat - immensely!

I know: TMI.

Deal.

So, as of the after-shower weigh-in, I was (and I bought a brand new scale just for this purpose. It is scha - weet!) 150.9.

My goal, then, is to get down around 130 pounds. There! I said it. And no, I don't feel freer (more free? Whatever!)

My reward? Still thinking about that one... have a few things in mind. Maybe I'll let you know what my ideas are in my next blog update. Or I'm welcome to suggestions.

Thanks for reading!

Torn, torn, torn.....

I don't know how all those people on Twitter do it. How do they finish their books, their stories, and manage to get them into the e-book market? It's mind-boggling! There are soooo many out there and they all have e-books they're pushing.

Then there is me. I work (so do a lot of them - according to them), I do manage to get some chores done around the house, I can still manage a shopping trip, typically weekly (for groceries - not pleasure).

I don't like to sit down to write when I only have a half hour. It's got to be a good solid hour or more when I know I won't have any interruptions. That hour? Very rare these days. But when I am able to pin one down, it's either very early morning and then I'm fighting for just the right place to sit down and begin. Fighting as in the mess left from the evening before. There might be just enough space at the kitchen table, but that's obviously not the most comfortable place. Some mornings are good on the front porch or back deck, as long as the mosquito fogger is still active. Some evenings are good, as long as I'm willing to sit on my bed hunched over the lap top. After the first 10 minutes, and every 10 minutes or so thereafter, I find myself arranging my sitting positions because there's always some body part that's falling asleep. Oddly enough, there have been more than a few times when my actual derriere has become numb. (What's up with that?) Even tucked away in my bedroom - with the door shut - the kids and spouse still manage to walk right in and strike up a conversation, plopping down on the bed beside me. Odder still, is that when I'm amongst them at any other time, Mom's advice or conversation is never warranted. I suppose it's one of those things where you don't miss something until it's gone, or until it's trying to write or have a telephone conversation.

Now here is what I'm torn about: Writing and getting things done. I want to write.

I want to write.

But deep down inside, there's this nagging feeling that something is wrong. You know? That feeling where if I'm doing something I enjoy, that means that there's other things that aren't getting done. Right now, at this moment, I really should be putting away the dry dishes, and i should be in the shower so that I'll be ready to get into town to get groceries and return bottles and make a quick stop* at the laundromat*.

     *First, when I said "quick stop"? Yeah, that was totally sarcasm.

     *Second, I just love that word: Laundromat. It's so retro. Don't you think? Any word
     that has 'mat' at the end (except HASMAT) is just a gas.

So I'm torn. My subconscious, which is nothing but a trouble-maker, says to my conscious self:

          You know, if you just got up now, stepped away from the laptop, and got aaalllllll of
       your chores done, you'd have more time to write later - and you wouldn't feel guilty.

And there it is.  How do you reason with that?

What's most upsetting to me, is that I can't quite get a grip on my decision to adhere to one plan. I make up my mind frequently. Too frequently. Enough so that it looks like I'm being indecisive. But I'm not. So now I'm in this midst of a story that was (and I checked) officially begun Wednesday, June 1st, 2011 at 8:06 p.m. A year and a month people. A year and a month.

I'm disappointed in myself in some ways. After all, I am an adult. So why is it, that I can't accomplish a simple story? In other ways, I can justify not being finished by reminding myself that I do have a full-time job, I do have a family with plenty going on, and I do have a house, car, life that need cleaning and maintenance.

Alright kid. Hang on to your shorts. Here we go. (insert drum roll sound clip)

I, Ruby Iadeluca, am setting a goal to complete my story by August 31st, 2012. I will put any extra time to good use. And most of all, I will not make myself feel guilty for devoting time to accomplish this goal.

And here's where you, my faithful reader(s) come in. I'm counting on you to stay on top of me (don't make me feel guilty - I'm very susceptible to guilt), make sure that I've worked on this goal every day/week. Keep my spirits up. Cheer me on as I approach the finish line.

And thank you.

Just a slice of last evening...

These are Merganser ducks - Mommy with babies on her back.