In Left Field

It's been a rough couple of months. Mentally. Financially. Physically.

I've been in these emotional ruts before. They're not fun. I don't mean to make myself sound like I suffer from depression. At least, I don't think I do. I just get into these funks. I have no motivation. I have no desire to write. I don't want to do anything but sit and veg.

I was sick a few weeks back. Self-diagnosed bronchitis. Sounded terrible. Felt awful. Took three days off work, plus the weekend, so by the time Monday morning rolled around, driving my car felt a bit foreign to me.

Bills are the same. It's a complete drain (mentally and financially) to pay these semi-monthly with my payroll cycle. I've got the cheapest car insurance. I traded in my car to something that was $90 less per month in payments. I've also recently shut off the land-line phone and am now completely wireless, because it saved a little money. Also, and this one broke my heart.... I had the cable TV turned off. Now, really, you must understand something. My heart was not broken because I had to give up reality shows, Spongebob, or the Weather Channel. Truth be told, I very rarely watched television any more anyways. But what I had a really hard time with, was turning in the DVR box. I had a few things recorded that will be missed - or not. But there was something else on there. Something that only I would ever, ever watch. Kate and Wills royal wedding. (Silently brushing a tear from my cheek.)

It still baffles me how anyone I've ever asked has never cared a hoot about the royal wedding. Sorry. That kind of stuff just completely enthralls me. The night Princess Di passed away, I sat in front of the TV - ALL NIGHT. I bought almost every copy of People magazine when any Royal was on the cover. I have the books: A Royal Duty and The Bodyguard's Story. I don't think it's a sad thing. I could just as well be interested in ancestors and genealogy and that would be a cool thing. Oh wait, I am interested in those things. In fact, if I could afford to not have to work, I would spend what's left of my time, after writing, on researching, history, cemeteries. Love. That. Stuff!

Oh dear. I seem to have strayed (yet again) from my initial thought: The fact that I feel as though lately, I am in left field. Stuck way out somewhere away from the game. I see everything going on around me. Everyone getting ready for Christmas: shopping, cards, baking, etc. And I just can't seem to engage. Maybe it's the onset of the horrid winter weather - which actually has not yet been all that bad. Just lots of grey skies. I need the warm temperatures. I need to sleep with the windows open. I need to be able to throw my notepad in a bag and go sit on the beach in the evenings after work. And Fall - my absolute favorite time of year - as usual, went past in such a blur!

Don't you ever get this way? Where you feel like you're missing out on everything around you because of your state of mind? I keep telling myself to snap out of it! But then something else happens. Like a disconnection notice in the mail, or an outrageously harsh visit from Aunt Flo, or the garbage didn't pick up because I couldn't pay the bill. Do you know how incredibly embarrassing it is to haul your full recycling container back up to your garage when the garbage truck didn't pick it up? Here's to hoping all of my neighbors didn't notice.

Wouldn't it be nice if I could just drown my sorrows in some spiked eggnog? But alas! I cannot afford such luxuries. Time to stop in to the consignment shop to see if any more of my contributions have provided me with any income.

Sorry for the rambling. Thanks for listening.